“All exploitive art should look like it’s been knocked up at 5am by some wasted bum who once had talent but is now seriously on the slide.”

Madonna

£30.00

Yesterday I listed my blisteringly fine Nightmare At 20,000 Feet piece on Ebay and cockily announced that all my paintings from here on in would be equally abstract and avant-garde. Then I woke up this morning, saw that the sucker had no bids and instantly flew into a panic. After all, this hasn’t happened since 2014 when I listed my Susan Boyle’s Farmyard Frolics etchings!

“Sally!” I shouted at my sleeping wife “Cancel the Mercedes SLR McLaren and order me a Fiat Krunt; I think I’m home to Mr. XXXX Up!”

Then I remembered that I had this half finished Madonna painting tucked away in my studio. I’d abandoned it because I thought Miss Ciccone looked too young and that I should have referenced a more current image but what the heck; I need a tooth crowned and my dentist is fed up of being paid in Scream Along With Suzi books!

True, 80’s divas aren’t my usual fare but slap some bids on Maddy anyway; this frikking tooth’s killing me!