“All exploitive art should look like it’s been knocked up at 5am by some wasted bum who once had talent but is now seriously on the slide.”

Dracula Article Illustration Two

£30.00

If ever a scene drives home the point (!) that if you want a job doing well you have to do it yourself then this is it, because Jonathan Harker must be the most incompetent vampire slayer in history. Sent to Dracula’s castle by his boss Van Helsing, Jonathan’s mission is to destroy the bloodsucking Count and end his evil reign forever. However, he hasn’t been there five minutes before foxy vamp, Valerie Gaunt, sinks her noshers in him and leaves him face down in the dust. Twelve hours later, Jonathan awakens with only one job on his mind; to head down to the crypt and do away with Dracula and his slinky succubus!

Unfortunately, there’s only minutes left before sunset so Jonathan does what all of us would in this situation; he plonks himself on a stool and starts filling in his diary! Finally, he’s satisfied that all the days events are neatly jotted down then staggers out into the dusk to get a dirty job done. Down in the crypt, ol’ Drac is fast asleep and just laying there asking for it so naturally Jonathan decides to stick it to Valerie first. Not surprisingly, she doesn’t take kindly to being awoken by Jonathan clumsily bashing his shaft in and starts screeching her head off just as the sun goes down.

Talk about being home to Mr. XXXX Up!!! Oh well, I suppose if Van Helsing had done the job himself the film would have been over in 5 minutes and my illustrated Dracula article would only have stretched to two pages! This is the 2nd illustration in the series and number three will follow next week. Before that though, I’ve got to do the promised Kylie Minogue in a wet t-shirt painting. Yep, I’m disgusted too. Still, I’ve got to provide the perverts with something to do while they’re self isolating!

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