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Suzi Goes To Cleethorpes

Suzi Goes To Cleethorpes

Posted Saturday 22 Apr 2017 13:35 PM

Yep, it's that time again! Fans of the Suzi series in the Dark Side magazine (Steve Bates, Yves from Belgium and some woman in Frinton) will no doubt be excited to know that in issue 185 my 18 year old niece will be getting licked silly by Giant Leeches in Cleethorpes!
As you can see, I've made this Suzi painting a little less sexy than the others in the series. This is due to my editor (Brycie) insisting I clean up the last submission (Suzi Goes To Bridlington) because an American distributor found it offensive. As the filthy version was already hanging on some perverts wall in California, Suzi had to be 'de-nippled' in Photoshop. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!
Oh well, we've still got a nice set of buns on show here, so snap this beauty up before they make me stick an anorak on her!

The Thing

The Thing

Posted Friday 14 Apr 2017 12:07 PM

It was 1984 and my then wife, Silvana, and I were enjoying a night off from our restaurant business. As usual 'enjoying ourselves' consisted of me chugging on a bottle of Jack Daniels while she wanged heavy pots full of Italian food off my head. This night though, took a different turn, for halfway through the mayhem John Carpenter's 'The Thing' popped up on the telly.
"Reeky" squealed my wife "what ees thees scary feelm!!??"
"I'm not sure" I replied "and stop talking like that; you come from facking Biggleswade. "
Anyway, this movie certainly had us crapping ourselves so after it finished and we'd both changed our pants we sat down to discuss our one non-violent 90 minutes together.
"You know, Reeky" sighed Silvana "you should paint feelms like this because let's face it, you're a sheet cook. "
Yep, that was one warm moment, and it all came back to me as 33 years later I finally took her advice and painted. . . . . The Thing!
So, you lucky punters; hit the 'buy now' button and treat YOUR wife to a special 'The Thing' moment because she's going to be over the moon when she comes home and finds THIS hanging on her wall!

The Fog

The Fog

Posted Saturday 21 Jan 2017 12:35 PM

I can make quite a bit more painting nudes than this Classic Horror Series because even though they don't fetch as much money they only take a quarter of the time to paint. However, as I enter my golden years (I'm eligible for my pension in July. . . . Aaarrggghhhh!!!) I figure leaving a legacy that isn't based around piles of perky breasts is more important than making a quick buck. Not that my motives are totally altruistic; all my horror paintings wind up being published so there's a few quid there plus Classic Horror prints sell a lot better than filthy renderings of my 18 year old niece Suzi from Frinton. God knows why though!!!! Actually, now you all know how old I am I better point out that I don't actually paint my 18 year old niece from Frinton. The girl I use is a fetish model and actress called Mercedes and lives 6,000 miles away from my lecherous old grasp in sunny San Francisco.

Still, one of my fellow illustrators is still stuck with using his 59 year old wife as a model. So suck that, Bob!!!!

Vampirella

Vampirella

Posted Friday 23 Dec 2016 20:52 PM

I'm away with my wife, Sally, and our two best friends, Thud and Big Suzi, for our usual Xmas break at Soho's Pink Pussycat Club; an oasis for geriatric swingers who just don't know when to quit. Obviously with a wild week-end like this looming up I didn't have time to thumbnail any concepts for a painting so I fished out this old sketch from 2010 and copied that. It's easy to place when this drawing was done because I was doing covers for Arrow Video at the time and getting dumped on every time a disc got released because they looked too cartoony. This was because I'd been told not to use any photo reference and make the sleeves look like old E. C. Comic book covers but as this didn't work I got Sally to pose for the next 25 covers. Sadly (although not for me!) Sally has been blessed in the. . . Um. . . . Chestular region so I immediately started getting bashed on the Arrow forums for being a sexist pig with a breast fixation. Which, of course, I am!

Anyway, Sally posed for this Vampi sketch around this time and I can see the criticism was getting to me because I gave her a breast reduction. Bigger lips though!

Oh, by the way, we're not really going to the Pink Pussycat Club; we're off to a flea infested hotel in Frinton with our dogs and two friends who endlessly discuss episodes of The Great British Bake-Off; the most boring show in history.

Still, I'm sure we'll have just as much fun.

Ana Sofia

Ana Sofia

Posted Wednesday 02 Nov 2016 16:22 PM

Back in 1968 my dad took me to visit his family on the New Mexico/Texas border. Bloody awful experience. While I was there one of my uncle's got shot dead by the sheriff, and that was the most cheerful day we had there! Funnily enough, my wife is also half American and her uncle actually killed the sheriff! Seriously, I swear I'm not making this up; shot him stone dead. Talk about coincidence!
Anyway, the high point of the visit was all the Mexican girls that hung around outside the bars. Oh Lord, any guy who could walk straight in Tucumcari was definitely batting for the other side!
I never got a date with any of these girls of course. I did chat one up who's name was Ana Sofia, but this big Mexican told me that if I didn't have ten bucks I should XXXX off or wind up with my head on a stick. Very protective; must have been her brother.
Of course, if I did get that date this painting shows how it would have ended. Fortunately you can't see me in the picture; I'm in the back of the rusted truck, wringing out my shorts and wishing I'd never been born!

All Hallow's Eve

All Hallow's Eve

Posted Tuesday 25 Oct 2016 13:15 PM

I must admit that I've never seen this film so I'm not sure whether it belongs in the CLASSIC HORROR section or the TRASH one. As I think Frankenfish is a classic I'm probably not one to judge anyway! These type of scenarios are the very toughest to do and the figures take a lot of manipulating as the painting progresses but hey, the money's good! My favorite concept painting is Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes but I signed a contract so I can't show it to anybody. I'm really bad at keeping secrets so it's absolutely killing me!!!

Natalie Wood

Natalie Wood

Posted Wednesday 19 Oct 2016 17:14 PM

Natalie has joined my Hollywood Icons Series at the request of my best buddy 'Thud' Duncan. Sadly, like my boss at the Dark Side magazine, Thud is tighter than a gnat' chuff and will be happy just to have a print. And I've got a fat chance of seeing any cash for that.
It beats me why he's such a tightass; his family is stinking rich and lives on a sprawling estate in Scotland. His mum is an artist too and was going to 'big me up' to some posh galleries in Edinburgh but unfortunately my best man's speech at Thud's wedding put an end to that.
Still, that's all just syphilis jokes under the bridge; Thud's loss can be your gain, for now you have a chance to own this marvelous oil painted portrait of the talented and beautiful Miss Wood!

Jayne Mansfield

Jayne Mansfield

Posted Tuesday 18 Oct 2016 22:55 PM

Back in 1957 the organizers of a dinner party held in Sophia Loren's honor made the mistake of inviting the publicity mad Jayne Mansfield and as you can see from my painting here, she made a pretty big impression. I was pretty impressed too, because 3 years later this was the first nipple I got to see, apart from my own, my chums and those spear wielding chicks in Zulu. I sat through THAT sucker a few times, I can tell you!
Anyway, spotting Jayne spilling out at Thomas's Newsagent atop the Marvel comics obviously scuppered my plans to launch a career painting kittens and I've been infatuated with rendering beautiful women ever since.
Sadly Jayne wasn't held in the highest regard by many of those who actually met her. Paul McCartney referred to her as 'an old bag' and John Lennon piddled in her cocktail. What a waste, not only of a perfectly good cocktail, but of a stunningly gorgeous woman. I only wish I'd been in the frikken' Beatles the night they met her. Mind you, I'd probably have just sat there with a cushion on my lap looking stupid, which I tended to do at most parties in the 60's!

Death Shock

Death Shock

Posted Tuesday 27 Sep 2016 14:52 PM

Because I take on jobs that other illustrators turn down (illustrators with morals and standards) I probably paint more DVD covers and interior artwork for magazines and books than any artist in the Britain. You wouldn't know it of course, because a lot of it is so risqué that I can't show the images here. Fortunately, I have a customer that snaffles up all the worst smut (yep, I'm talking about you, Bob) but seriously, I can paint stuff other than mucky women! C'mon you distributors, throw me a bone here; how about Old Yeller or A River Runs Through It?
Still, enough of that, let's have look at what's next on the books. Yep, Les Orgies De La Gestapo and Fraulein Without A Uniform. Oh well, at least the money puts food on the table. Us Melton's can really get peckish once those squirrels start hibernating!
Oh yeh. The star of Death Shock (and this painting) is Linzi Drew. I bought her biography 'Try Anything Once But Incest' back in '93 and it was a really good read. Sadly though, I've never been able to look at John Landis or Mott The Hoople the same since!

SHRECK

SHRECK

Posted Saturday 24 Sep 2016 17:02 PM

If you've just stumbled across this whilst looking for 'Shrek' the cartoon, then you must be sitting there now looking pretty stunned. Even if you weren't looking for the cartoon you must be sitting there pretty stunned! This piece has been done for VHS distributors, Mongrel Video. Regular readers of my Dark Side column (Steve Bates, Yves from Belgium and some woman in Frinton) will have often heard me mention Mongrel; the Texas firm that pays me top dollar because they're so stoned they think I'm Graham Humphreys.
After sitting through Shreck I considered it the worst film ever made but having just watched the next movie I've got to do for them (Death Shock) I realized I was wrong. Still, at least that one has the sizzlingly hot Linzi Drew in it so stand by for more tasteless smut in about four days!

Empire Of The Ants

Empire Of The Ants

Posted Thursday 22 Sep 2016 21:39 PM

Hearing Joan Collins's always name whisks me back to 1963 and the Westward Hotel where we stayed shortly after arriving from New York. We were sitting with a group of other folks watching television when this distinguished looking gentleman walks in and joins us. After a few minutes small talk he mentions that he's directing a play at the Northampton Repertory Theatre.
"Oh, how interesting!" chirps my mum “who's in it?"
"Joan Collins" he groans, before adding with a world weary sigh, "Jesus. . . . What a bitch. "
Now, whether he was referring to THE Joan Collins I can't say, but the way he spat out the word ‘bitch’ obviously made an impact on my 11 year old ears because I found myself attracted to a succession of ball busters over the next 20 years and 1977 saw me sitting in a cinema with the queen of them all, watching this very movie; Empire Of The Ants.
"Rickee” she trilled in her strong Neapolitan accent "why do you keep breenging me here to watch these sheeeeet movies?"
To this day I have no answer to that question, or to why she talked like that, especially as she came from Biggleswade. I do know that once we got divorced she suddenly transformed into Little Miss Sunshine and relinquished her irritating penchant for wanging heavy saucepans off people's heads. She even subscribes to the Dark Side, although she was a bit miffed when Brycie wouldn't cut her any discount. Still, she obviously respects him because she refers to him as that 'tite cundino' which I believe is Italian for 'journalist supreme'.
Still, I better stop yapping and start painting a movie that might bring me in a few bob. Empire Of The Ants has been done for The Dark Side magazine and believe me, nobody ever got rich working for Tite Cundino!

Sundown

Sundown

Posted Thursday 01 Sep 2016 16:36 PM

I'm still up to my neck in commercial art assignments but I've taken a short break from magazine and Blu Ray cover work to render Sundown here. The problem with illustration jobs is that even though the money is better than selling on Ebay (although not by much!) it can take up to half a year before I can show the artwork. Like I always say, I'm no spring chicken and if I disappear for 6 months a lot of my punters presume I'm dead. This can be really bad for business!
Anyway, 'Sundown' is the sort of image I see when I hear Gordon Lightfoot sing about the hard loving woman of the same name.
Mind you, I also see this sort of image when I listen to Rupert the Bear and The Birdie Song which explains why I've not been chosen to do the artwork for the Xmas release of the Big Bumper Box Set Of Favorite Children's songs!

Cat Woman

Cat Woman

Posted Thursday 28 Jul 2016 18:29 PM

As I've said before, the two toughest things to paint are sexy women and cats. But when Ghoulish Publishing's new tea girl, Katarzyna Mastakounas, volunteered to pose for this painting with her cat, Soddoff, I could hardly refuse. Regular Dark Side magazine readers will be well acquainted with Katarzyna who arrived at our offices so destitute that she couldn't even afford underwear.
Dark Side editor, Allan Bryce, has taken a lot of flack over the years, being called among other things a self promoting narcissistic tightarse (although, in fairness, he might have been called that by me) but his magnanimity couldn't be called into question when he immediately fired long serving tea lady, 69 year old Edna (cuppa time) Boggs, and gave her job to Katarzyna. Not only that, but Allan gave Edna a golden handshake of a box of salt water fudge (with only a few spat back in) and a video tape of Towering Inferno with most of the adverts edited out.
What a guy.

The Captain's Wife

The Captain's Wife

Posted Tuesday 26 Jul 2016 14:20 PM

' Trawler-man Bob was having a really rotten day. The Captain had thrown a sh*t-fit after Bob forgot to batten down the hatch on the fish well (leaving the whole boat smelling like a blown cod sandwich), his girlfriend had rung to say she was dumping him for tedious Gardner's World presenter, Alan Tichmarsh, because Al was less boring, and he'd just found out Fangoria magazine had gone bust one week after he sent them 400 quid for a lifetime subscription. He hadn't felt this bad since he fell into Moby Dick's blow hole.
Then Bob decided to take a walk out on deck and suddenly his day started to look a whole lot brighter. . . . '
Yep, I know what you're thinking,"My God, how does Rick come up with all these twisted scenario's?" I must admit, I've no idea, although I'm seriously considering getting some therapy and going into the lucrative pet portrait business. Then again, everybody's painting puppies; there's only a handful of talented erotic artist's about. I wish I was one of 'em!
Still, as I enter my golden years I really should clean my act up so snap up this excellent 'Captain's Wife' piece before I go all Angus T Jones on you!

Danielle Harris

Danielle Harris

Posted Thursday 21 Jul 2016 20:29 PM

Like all my portraits nowadays, Danielle has been done Alla Prima (sounds rude!) although the background was put in the evening before. I love creating a painting in one session because:
(a) the piece is much more vibrant, (b) the creative process isn't hidden under layers of glazing or excessive blending and (c) my hourly rate is much better!
The downside with Alla Prima portraits is that the paint is laid on quite thick, burying the under-drawing and making it tougher to get a perfect likeness. Still, even if I missed the mark a bit, we've still got a hot chick with a tattoo lying down in a graveyard. Honestly, who could ask for more?
What's that you say? You want Sarah Michelle Gellar lying down totally naked in a graveyard? What a coincidence; I start that one tomorrow!

Ripley

Ripley

Posted Wednesday 20 Jul 2016 13:20 PM



I watched the first Alien movie again the other day; still brilliant. Alien and Jaws probably still reign as the best horror/monster films ever made. Some folks think Alien 2 was better but that screaming kid really grated. Alien 3, which this painting is based on, is my 2nd favorite in the series; nice and gritty with only a sprinkling of digital critters. After this it all went CGI crazy which meant we were constantly being reminded that we were watching a movie. What's all this got to do with flogging a painting? Absolutely sod all, so I better shut up and start waxing lyrical about it! This one was done in a 10 hour session; the sketch took 2 hours to lay down, the face, hair and arms about 4 hours and the rest was done in 3 hours. There's another hour there that I can't place but it's 35 degrees here in England and us poor old farts can't take it so I was probably passed out in my palette!

Blood And Rain

Blood And Rain

Posted Wednesday 13 Jul 2016 15:48 PM

My wife often has a go at me about the subject matter of my paintings. Not that she's a prude; she poses for most of them, but because whenever her real estate clients ask her what her husband does for a living she either makes something up or tells them that I'm dead. Her dad in Virginia thinks I'm in Bedford prison. God knows what he thinks I did; I've been locked up in there for the last 30 years!

Girl On A Dolphin

Girl On A Dolphin

Posted Sunday 19 Jun 2016 16:26 PM

I've got one more of these old 80's sketches to redo in oil paint and then it's back to the tacky smut I'm best known for, as opposed to the CLASSY smut you see here! I've been asked by a couple of you guys if I still have the original drawings but I'm not sure what happened to them. Possibly my ex wife (yep, let's give her another kicking!) has 'em, so if you fancy popping round her place and ask her nicely she might fish them out for you, especially if she's in a good mood. Odds on she won't be, so don't take an umbrella or anything else that your doctor will have difficulty extracting. Pack a small crucifix and don't bother turning up until the sun goes down.
Actually, I should shut up because she's actually being very good about all this. God help your eyes if she turns funny and starts posting naked images of ME all over the internet. Talk about the last turkey in the shop!

Snow Blind

Snow Blind

Posted Friday 17 Jun 2016 16:39 PM

Holy Smokes! Something tasteful!!!! Yep, this is another oil painting based on an old sketch that I did back in the 80's (see with the other images) and done before I realized smut sold! Back then I was too busy giving everyone salmonella in my restaurant business to paint, but I did make time to crank out the odd sketch. I've found another nice sketch I did in '84 of a nude girl on a dolphin but after I listed Wolf Moon my ex wife rang up and said "Hey Rick, I notice in your description that you said I got awarded everything in our divorce. Well, there's a couple of things I didn't get and if you put any more nude paintings of me on Ebay I'm gonna pop round and pull 'em off. And I'm not referring to the paintings. "
Ha! Good luck finding those; my current wife had them off years ago!

Wolf Moon

Wolf Moon

Posted Tuesday 14 Jun 2016 19:37 PM

My ex wife, Silvana, posed for this painting back in 1986. Forty years later I finally got around to finishing it! I've got to give her credit though, she really did strike a brilliant pose for this one, so good in fact that I gave her a version without the wolf. Well, I didn't give it to her; the rotten magistrates awarded it to her along with my house, car, all my money, half my dog etc. . . . . Etc. . . . .
I protested that I should have the painting because I was the artist but she insisted that she should have it because she was the model. Then she stripped off and they gave it to her. Oh well, that's all twirled underwear under the bridge. I'm not bitter now.
And I'm sure she doesn't mind in the slightest that I've posted her bare butt all over the internet. . . . .

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